First off, we would like to issue a quick statement on our 2 week absence from the Davidsonian. Like many of you, we have been taking emergency precautions to prepare for the big night. Webtree hysteria has officially hit Davidson’s campus. Every year around this time, Davidson turns from a pleasant community founded on the honor code to a cut-throat frenzy filled with questionable conduct and desperate measures. As always, we have compiled a thorough investigation of the mystery and practices of the Webtree.
To begin, most students are completely perplexed by the workings of Webtree. It seems odd that we have two whole centers dedicated to writing and speaking in a language that most of us are fluent in, while we have no center devoted to Webtree, a dialect that surpasses binary code in difficulty. In fact, it would not be too farfetched to scrap both centers in favor of a Webtree extra help room. It would certainly help students like Steve Rossiter ’10, who, in his 5 years at Davidson, has yet to understand its intricacies, instead opting to pay a neuroscience major for aid. This trend may become quite common on campus as students versed in Webtree could create quite a business, receiving cash under the table in exchange for Webtree guidance; of course these Mafiosos would only take cash as to avoid detection from the administration or IRS. Webtree might also see the rise of other shadowy activities, perhaps the formation of cartels specializing in the monopoly of classes on Webtree. These secret cells, claiming that they are triple majors, could sign up for ten to twelve classes in an attempt to stockpile valued courses that can be used as trade bait once add/drop season opens up. The victims of these scams would be hopeless second semester seniors who are forced to trade all four of their classes, including their thesis, for Human Biology with a lab. Those unable to get into their last major class and unwilling to succumb to the ways of the black market will drastically change majors at the last minute, adding ten music classes, which are relatively in low-demand, in order to graduate with some kind of major.
Other facets to this typology classifying Webtree players include students on opposite sides of the spectrum, some radicals who refuse to be controlled by the system and others who seem to live and die with every branch of Webtree. The radicals appear to believe that they are outside the control of Webtree and refuse to fill it out, opting to add/drop their way to victory. Clearly these apples fell far from the tree. In the end, Webtree continuously wins out leaving these students classless or stuck with four W courses; oddly enough these extremists still believe they “won” and will stick to their guns next year.
Alternatively, other students are enslaved by Webtree, and will withdraw from current classes to memorize every five digit CRN number in order to sign up first. These students continuously click “refresh” on their computers three days prior to add/drop to prepare themselves for the hunt. Of course, when Webtree falls short of perfection or is late, as it was this year, these students suffer a state of paralysis and go on hunger strike until Webtree is revived.
Unfortunately our investigation suggests that students really do not have a choice in the matter because, following a Calvinistic society in which predestination rules, Webtree does not allow for free will. Rumor has it that buried beneath Hansford Epes’ office in Chambers, down a spiral staircase over 100 feet underground, lives the magical Webtree. The branches of the tree are covered in sticky webs, representative of classes, and a witch named Shirley tosses names at the tree; wherever the names stick determines their schedule. There is a light at the end of the tunnel because, regardless of how you complete Webtree and how you feel about its faults, Davidson students still end up with four quality professors even though you might be stuck in Earth Art-From Lascaux to Lutyens, MTWRF 8:30-11:15.
Charlie Reiter ’10 is a Political Science major from Westport, CT. Mauricio Simms’11 is a Philosophy major from Bowie, MD. Mark Millard ’12 is undeclared. He is from Oak Head, NC. They can be contacted at chreiter@davidson.edu, masimms@davidson.edu and mamillard@davidson.edu, respectively.
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